I spend most of my days feeling inadequate. I feel like God wasted His time on making me. I can’t seem to do a lot right. I sometimes lack the qualities of a good daughter or friend. I constantly fail at little things and mess up at opportunities that could help me. I recently reread the Parable of the Lost Son and it moved me to tears because of how much the lost son resembled me.
A father had two sons who were going to inherit everything of his when he died. However, the younger son wanted his share of the estate right away. The father gave it to him and the son went his own way. He used his part of the money for worldly goods. He bought fancy items, over drank, and gambled with it. He was living lavish, until one day he realized that he had no money left. During that same time, the whole country experienced a severe famine and the son had to get a job to feed himself. He got a job feeding a farmer’s pigs. He became so hungry, that he started to eat some of the pig’s food.
At some point the son realized that he was in a bad place and that he needed to go back home. He was ashamed however, because he had squandered all his money and was ranked lower then his father’s servants. He figured that he would go back to his father’s house and say,
Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants. -Luke 15:18-19
He grabbed whatever he had (which wasn’t a lot) and set off back home. He was very far away from his house, but
his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.-Luke 15:
The father got him the fanciest robe and placed expensive rings on his hands. He ordered the servants to kill the fattest cow they had so that they could have a feast and celebrate
for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.- Luke 15:24
I think that a lot of us are exactly like the son. I know I am. I tell myself that I don’t need my Father. I take everything He gives me and I go off to do things by myself in a selfish and inconsiderate manner. However, y’all, I recently learned that I cannot do it alone. I am too weak to fight by myself. But just like the son, it took me eating with pigs (not literally), to realize that I needed him. I was hands and knees in the dirt crying, before I realized that the only one I needed to call on was Him.
I am so stubborn, so that realization shook me up. Two weeks ago one of my roommates invited me to her church and I told her I didn’t deserve to be a room with those people because I am too much of a sinner. She responded to me and said,
Sarah, I’m not sure what ya meant last night but I just felt like you should know you are worthy of love and forgiveness! Always!
and I am, but for so long I didn’t believe it and like the son, I believed lies that made me say,
Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your [daughter]; make me like one of your hired servants
I have been living in darkness and that darkness has enveloped my heart. It has made me bitter and isolated. It has made me live in fear of disappointing my parents, others, and myself. And it has made me close off any human relationship that could actually help me. Guys, to live in fear is scary, but to live in fear without God is even worse. But I’m changing, I’m growing and I’m ready to celebrate because this doubting daughter was “dead and is alive again; was lost and is found.’
The beauty of this story though is that we can come empty handed and broken to our Father and He will meet us on this journey back to Him. He will not remind us that we were once eating with pigs, but He will clothe us in the best materials and encourage us to learn from our mistakes. If that doesn’t give you hope and make your heart jump for joy, then I don’t know what will. I’m glad to be back on my journey and I’m so freaking excited to learn more about my beautiful and oh sooo compassionate and loving Father of mine.
“I have come as a light into the world, that whoever believes in Me should not abide in darkness.”-John 12:46