One of my biggest fears (like BIGGEST) is not being in control. I absolutely hate the feeling of not having a full grasp of my life. I strive to find my purpose and meaning of everything. I constantly tear my self apart and put myself together, just so I can get the feeling of accomplishment. I want to be a puzzle that only I can put together/that only I know how to solve. I am a planner, I am confident, and I am independent. At least that’s how I was in highschool.
At the beginning of college, some things happened that were just completely out of my grasp. There was nothing I could have done to change them and I realized that I was no longer in control. That feeling of being utterly powerless made me lose sight of everything I had known. I dove into depression, I lost my independence, and I put on a facade of being confident; but really I was lonely and lost. I felt like no one could possibly understand the hurt and pain I was going through. This caused me to push even more people away. I was too stubborn to realize that I needed to let go of all this with my thirst for control.
During this time, I really started to doubt God and who he was. I doubted God all the time because I didn’t know if I could ever trust someone enough to let them fully take control of my life. I’m slowly letting go and trusting other people, but I don’t know if I could give myself away completely. It scares me to know that there is someone who is more powerful than I could ever imagine. I have trouble fully letting go of myself, because I can’t see Him. I always fear that we are all spending countless hours/years praising a God that does not exist. That’s really scary. I doubt Him, because I have never seen Him.
One of the biggest doubters in the Bible was Thomas of Didymus (aka Doubting Thomas). Thomas was a lot like me. He really doubted that there was a God. In the Bible, he says to the other disciples,
“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”- John 20:25
Unlike the rest of the disciples, Thomas had never seen Jesus. He was a “newbie,” to the crew and he hadn’t been there the first time the others saw him. I’m sure we all have those days where we question God. What if we are praying to no one? What if we die and there is no Heaven? Those questions are questions that have gone through my head multiple times,but God is always there to answer them.
When Thomas was doubting, Jesus appeared to Him and said,
“Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
Immediately Thomas knew it was him and said,
“My Lord and my God!”-John 20:28
I love that verse. It is so small, yet so beautiful. My heart overflows when I read it. Thomas had doubted and had pained over not knowing if God was real, but he quickly realized the truth. Although the verse is beautiful, it is also sad. It is sad, because Thomas didn’t believe until he had seen God with his own eyes. This is why Jesus tells him,
“Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”-John 20:29
I want to see Jesus ( I really do). I want to touch His hands and His sides and I want to know that I’m not crazy for believing in something that I can’t see. However, I crave to love Him and to praise Him without seeing Him and with the knowledge of knowing that one day I will really get to see him. I want to continue worshipping Him until one day I can be as enthusiastic as Thomas when I say,
“My Lord and my God!”
“The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go.”
― C. JoyBell C.